Grown up or immature?

To be honest, I am pretty scared of new jobs, new environment, new this new that. Lol, I don't know, prolly not much a "yay change is coming" person. Oh well!

Previously, I had been upset over grades. Oh ya, tomorrow, grades is finally out. At 12 midnight. I can't wait. Lol I prolly would have scored lousy. Till now, I am still cringing a little at how I did the papers. It was super bad. At least in other semester I went exam with clear head, knowing what I know and was clear on what I know. This semester...enough ranting. xD. Lets just get over with it. If Heaven wants me to redo my last semester, let it be. I shall properly enjoy my school time this round :D

And...our friends had planned for a BK trip. I had to ask my dad. >.> I mean of this age already, I am super sure of a Yes. Well it came back as a No. Lol. Got upset and was pretty much hating on dad for 3 days. Lol. Hating means, ignoring him at home, not greeting him and etc. Lol. I was bad? :(

When I started hating, I feel really bad. I don't feel like happy. Its not like "Yes! He caught my glare and I am still ignoring him". No. Lol. It was more of a madly internal conflict:
1 - I know I should respect him. We should all respect our parents
2 - I am still unhappy. I can't get rid of the hate. Loathe, or dislike. Who let him control me? Who gave him the power! I am myself, I want my freedom!
3 - Yet after I hated him for that period of time, I was feeling guilty too. Lol, like. How do I come down from hating. How can I stop hating in a less awkward way? I hate coming back home too during this period. :( It was such a bad period for me. :(.

I did it anyway. Lol

So I had shared this little story with a few, I asked for what they would have done, or what they had done. I had it thought out fully too. No one shall stand in my way asdj;lasdjlfaslfak Loooool. Okok. I mean, I should grab my own freedom, why let someone deny me of it. It shall be something I can fight for.

Just yesterday, my boss at my current place, gave me a really nice piece of advice. Encouraged me to talk to my dad [have not done so!], in a peaceful way, to assure and convince him to say give the go. I mean, like even if he said no? I should still fight for it, but then, don't argue back.

It was a really nice piece of advice, staying neutral and acting like a grown up instead of trying to hate him and feeling miserable for 3 days.

Reflecting on myself and attitude and ways of handling problems. How did I become so immature? :(

Tired.

I am tired.

I've been whining. But I felt that I was battered. Wind can just whisk me off if not for gravity.

The four papers were tough (except for the 2). Yes but somehow, I felt that I can never recover from that energy I had spent on those papers. I am feeling tired everyday, worn out every day. Even if I were wasting my life away rotting on dramas, I couldn't feel energized.

Now I am trying to code a wee bit on my FYP. Lol, 1 whole day, only written a few lines of code. Even when making my powerpoint slides, I couldn't even feel the energy to do so. Maybe, I have energy for whining - which is why I am here. Lol.

Hopefully after this whine, tomorrow I shall find some new energy and work on it. Oh well, I only have tomorrow for my last coding day.

So I had been thinking, way earlier before, I was motivated to do well. This semester was tough, and cost me all my motivation. I couldn't get past certain things and I had broken down numerous times this semester.  One day I chanced across some wise words:

"Motivation goal theory suggests that one will move smoother if a goal is set. Studying doesn't bring stress if there's a goal bigger than academic results."

I understood what this was saying, I am trying to let go. Maybe I am being stupid and stubborn. Sigh. Theres a bigger goal out there, for me all my life was how to earn bucks and live comfortably when I am old. Seemingly, you have to work till you die in SG. No way out?

Yet another wise words from today: "Those who are happy, not because they have the best things; but because they know how to cherish what they have."

I should really learn this.

Rotten to core from expectation of grades, now I am stuck in endless loop of wanting to best myself in something so mundane. Stop being stupid!! *Smacks myself*

Wished I was poor. In a farm. My only hope was for the rain to come when it should, and sun-shine when it should. Think simple, live simple. Less worry less stress. Maybe I would have a tougher life out there. But hey after work at field I could just rest in a hammock held by 2 big trees. I wouldn't need to know fashion, how to make big bucks, how to get good grades, how to always google and waste my eyesight away. Hehe fanciful picture? Ok, I shall get to daydreaming (or night dreaming). Lol don't be down anymore!