Grown up or immature?

To be honest, I am pretty scared of new jobs, new environment, new this new that. Lol, I don't know, prolly not much a "yay change is coming" person. Oh well!

Previously, I had been upset over grades. Oh ya, tomorrow, grades is finally out. At 12 midnight. I can't wait. Lol I prolly would have scored lousy. Till now, I am still cringing a little at how I did the papers. It was super bad. At least in other semester I went exam with clear head, knowing what I know and was clear on what I know. This semester...enough ranting. xD. Lets just get over with it. If Heaven wants me to redo my last semester, let it be. I shall properly enjoy my school time this round :D

And...our friends had planned for a BK trip. I had to ask my dad. >.> I mean of this age already, I am super sure of a Yes. Well it came back as a No. Lol. Got upset and was pretty much hating on dad for 3 days. Lol. Hating means, ignoring him at home, not greeting him and etc. Lol. I was bad? :(

When I started hating, I feel really bad. I don't feel like happy. Its not like "Yes! He caught my glare and I am still ignoring him". No. Lol. It was more of a madly internal conflict:
1 - I know I should respect him. We should all respect our parents
2 - I am still unhappy. I can't get rid of the hate. Loathe, or dislike. Who let him control me? Who gave him the power! I am myself, I want my freedom!
3 - Yet after I hated him for that period of time, I was feeling guilty too. Lol, like. How do I come down from hating. How can I stop hating in a less awkward way? I hate coming back home too during this period. :( It was such a bad period for me. :(.

I did it anyway. Lol

So I had shared this little story with a few, I asked for what they would have done, or what they had done. I had it thought out fully too. No one shall stand in my way asdj;lasdjlfaslfak Loooool. Okok. I mean, I should grab my own freedom, why let someone deny me of it. It shall be something I can fight for.

Just yesterday, my boss at my current place, gave me a really nice piece of advice. Encouraged me to talk to my dad [have not done so!], in a peaceful way, to assure and convince him to say give the go. I mean, like even if he said no? I should still fight for it, but then, don't argue back.

It was a really nice piece of advice, staying neutral and acting like a grown up instead of trying to hate him and feeling miserable for 3 days.

Reflecting on myself and attitude and ways of handling problems. How did I become so immature? :(

Tired.

I am tired.

I've been whining. But I felt that I was battered. Wind can just whisk me off if not for gravity.

The four papers were tough (except for the 2). Yes but somehow, I felt that I can never recover from that energy I had spent on those papers. I am feeling tired everyday, worn out every day. Even if I were wasting my life away rotting on dramas, I couldn't feel energized.

Now I am trying to code a wee bit on my FYP. Lol, 1 whole day, only written a few lines of code. Even when making my powerpoint slides, I couldn't even feel the energy to do so. Maybe, I have energy for whining - which is why I am here. Lol.

Hopefully after this whine, tomorrow I shall find some new energy and work on it. Oh well, I only have tomorrow for my last coding day.

So I had been thinking, way earlier before, I was motivated to do well. This semester was tough, and cost me all my motivation. I couldn't get past certain things and I had broken down numerous times this semester.  One day I chanced across some wise words:

"Motivation goal theory suggests that one will move smoother if a goal is set. Studying doesn't bring stress if there's a goal bigger than academic results."

I understood what this was saying, I am trying to let go. Maybe I am being stupid and stubborn. Sigh. Theres a bigger goal out there, for me all my life was how to earn bucks and live comfortably when I am old. Seemingly, you have to work till you die in SG. No way out?

Yet another wise words from today: "Those who are happy, not because they have the best things; but because they know how to cherish what they have."

I should really learn this.

Rotten to core from expectation of grades, now I am stuck in endless loop of wanting to best myself in something so mundane. Stop being stupid!! *Smacks myself*

Wished I was poor. In a farm. My only hope was for the rain to come when it should, and sun-shine when it should. Think simple, live simple. Less worry less stress. Maybe I would have a tougher life out there. But hey after work at field I could just rest in a hammock held by 2 big trees. I wouldn't need to know fashion, how to make big bucks, how to get good grades, how to always google and waste my eyesight away. Hehe fanciful picture? Ok, I shall get to daydreaming (or night dreaming). Lol don't be down anymore!

My last semester

Finally,  after yesterday speed coding on information retrieval (IR) assignment, I am done with projects! But left with report to do for today before I can finally start with exams. Slept more than 40 winks, lol, in fact its a total of 12 hours - a long time since I had a good sleep.

After much deliberation throughout the semester here and there, when I finally concluded to take up a minor - Lol, what came as bad news is that, my status would have become "Graduate" - Ie: I can't take up the minor :( Sigh. Can't really blame school [why ya don't wanna earn my money!! :X *cough*], lol I could have worked around it if I had state one elective as UE. That way, I will have credits left to be cleared and...

"YOU CAN'T CHASE ME AWAY!" *smug*

Oh well, since I guess, god is playing a trick on me...

Having taken the Poly path, and now Uni. I find that many of the courses here in U were similar, maybe  a little more in-depth. But however, most of the courses you need to further your studies in order to make them really useful. The 4th year was the best : showcase of many different things you can do with the knowledge you have:

- Computer Game Programming [I didn't do much, this is prolly the worst subject due to complexity of the game engine [undocumented too ><;] I had taken but the exam was super easy lol. Open book and you can really copy paste the tutorial answer in - and get A]. But I do think, the take-away here is, programming may not be this static, I came across a few tools I never had thought of how to use: Kinect [got one of these at home!], 3D Max [I should really learn this].

- Machine Learning. One of the toughie subjects due to too much maths. Lol, our prof even says that Singapore grads have really bad maths, when they go over to overseas to further studies. Lol, I guess, we prolly do when half the class were nearly dying trying to answer some of the questions in class. Oh but anyway, my interest in this subject was stirred by the second prof in this course - who shared lots of stuff you can do with this course - especially if you like $$! xD.

- Information Retrieval / Natural Language Processing / Data Mining :  these section was like the real meat in this entire Computer science program. Although I feel that I did kinda bad for some of their assignment, but yes, this is real thing. Much of the stuff we had always used [GOOGLE], we never really thought of how things were processed backend. Lol, but through these 3 course, "Hey I get it!" I wanna build a career on this!

- Intelligent Agent. The most confusing course! Rofl. After working on the project, we had a nice ending to the project where our prof gave away the prize money to the team who the competition. :D. Well we didn't win, but we had good results. :D [ahem some groups' bot were playing the game differently] But lol, when it gets down to understanding agent, it looks a bunch of if-else statement, or do-while loops. Thats the part where I couldn't get past ><; Otherwise this is a really nice, and abstract course. Very very very abstract.

The much worry from graduating came from : landing myself in a job that says "web developer". Thats kind of scary - there are many people out there who can do powerful coding even without a cert. I want to find a company, that could make my knowledge useful and not let it rot. And of course, there are things I wanna consider in future:

- Own bakery store! More popular and delicious than breadtalk [lol their breads were priced high but taste sucks for most]
- Own physical store for students to book in and discuss project, study etc.
- Develop search engine [idea is still under construction]
- Make a second-to-facebook-like-social-engine : and sell it! [looool~]
- A trend engine analyser.

Of course all these idea were still under construction in mind. Someone mentioned this before [can't rmb the exact phrase]

- When you have an idea, you should consider the few hundreds of people who had this idea too. The only thing that differs you all, is who gets down to implement it. :)

Your Asset is Time

Just today's lecture, our Prof shared this with us:

[Somewhat paraphrase, since I can't remember the entire thing~]

The only thing you have, is Time. Everyday, you are doing a trade with the Time you have. 

That kinda leaves me feeling really sad and stress. Up and until now, I still don't really know what I wanted in life. I don't know, is it just the culture in Singapore or it happens everywhere else too? I am just born, to be educated, find a job, and live life away? Ya ya, then I factored in that and say, "I want to get rich somewhere, so I can live my life comfortably."

So, basically in my whole life,
> Grow up, > Be educated, > Find a job and get rich some time?

Has my life been meaningful? Not really, am just trying to exist in some manner. I do know what I enjoy: dramas, tv, shopping?

Meanwhile, I am still pondering the decision: Carry on with school [take another semester to grab a minor] or just go out and work.

Yet the idea of going out to work kinda scares me. Its like a question my mentor during IO said to me: "What, don't wanna ever leave your parents?" XD. I'd been in my comfort zone for too long and I am growing rusty. :(

But but, I am just feeling, what if I made a bad choice and land myself in a job I never wanna work at? Hai, why do I think so much!

1 Down, 5 More to Go

HW310 presentation done! Finally~ 4 more modules of assignment to do, and 1 FYP report to write...

Oh yah, deadlines:

FYP report by next monday,

419 matlab basic coding and PCA to understand

403 quiz by tmr, and assignment to complete maybe by next week

Individual assignment for 415 [gonna die, I haven't even catch up on lectures] - and to learn how to do Python.

416 agent assignment to do and research

omgbetterstartplanningandgetwellsoonsothatican'tgetdrowsyonmedicineanymoreboohoo!

Stress been over for me. At least for now. Previously I been up and down on the moods due to overloading of stuff [in which I still haven't quite catch up]. Indeed, stress is made up by humans. The moment you release it all, let go of your emotional burden. "phewwww" away like a balloon letting air out.

:) Good luck to all peeps.

talk to myself!

Hi there, I am back!

To talk to myself ~

Today had been a been waste: I was trying to code, but feeling listless all day and feeling glare of computer screen...

The advice is: don't play with phone at night. Damn the games... :(

I should have been studying if I can't code ><! NOW I JUST REALISE THAT! NOW WAKE YOUR MIND UP AND STUDY!

rants again!!!

After successfully writing this small piece of code... I tested with a small test set of 3 documents. Ran perfectly fine : that was about 30 seconds of run.

Then...I thought to jump test into 163657 documents. Kinda suicidal decision. I was beginning to think the program will run the whole day o.o; It doesn't seem to stop anytime sooner.

Oh well, after 29 minutes it printed out my results. The sad part is...

I forgot to save it into a file, and I forgot to keep count of non-zero entries and the number of columns :(!

Damn it.

Another rerun?

Oh well, then I recall something during the endless run [29mins only pshhhhh kicks myself for exaggerating], KMP - lets try something?

CLUTO

I have been dumb!! And even DUMBER!

Waha! But finally trying hard to think out of the box~ I got myself a mini solution!

This is pretty technical, but just don't mind me, I just wanna let out some happiness xD.

Stuck for 2 weeks [procrastinating] because I didn't know how to use cluto in java. It came in a executable tool, .lib and .h files. But I was using Java in my project! I didn't know how to use C++ in Java!

Until after 2 weeks, I started worrying that: oh die...the deadline is coming soon. I read up a little more on linking java and c++ using this JNI interface x.x and its gets more and more complicated then I told myself:

"Time to get another clustering tool ^^"

I went to WEKA. Just lol played with it for a day, in the midst of writing a few lines of code. It had exhausted me already x.x [ok, I am just lazy ;p] Then I met up with my supervisor, asked a bunch of questions and I was answered with ...

"Weka is slow..."

So umm~ I was recommended to some other tool, which for god's sake - lacked documentation x.x Its all good though - so I went to search up other tools. :p. Lol You seem I am being dumb? Never trying to learn the tools just want a shortcut to easy coding and the "final correct answer". Sigh!

So last night, I was trying to google up how to use JNI to link up java and C++. Oh well, it might be a good experience to learn. Sigh...the thing that comes next is: I haven't downloaded a c++ compiler x.x. Then it gets lamer from  there:

-Yet another search on easy to use tool.

I spent the whole morning, searching, then I tried yet another tool! Its a cute name, especially loved by rabbits. ^^. Oh well, it wasn't what I was looking for, but hey o.o they already have something thats similar to what I am doing for my project. Okies, then I will have to...

-Search for other tools again.

Then anyways, I gave up. I would never know what is a good tool until I tried it. Looking at WEKA code. ;x Nope, I don't wanna go there. Lol. So...

I took another look at Cluto. Command line ...
Yeah, maybe java can run command line...
Ohohoh it does?


            Runtime rt = Runtime.getRuntime();
            Process pr = rt.exec("vcluster");

This works. xD!!!!!! Ok I better get back to coding :)
No more changing tracks!

Shake it out

~its always darkest before the dawn~

Been catching How I Met Your Mother, season 7. The show is soon coming to a nice end, and I caught this song when finally Ted moved on from Robin.

I received news, that my request to drop course wouldn't happen - somehow or rather, I didn't feel disappointed, nor did I feel lot more burdened. Maybe its time to really re-organise my time and find a way out of the stress instead of having it on my back while doing nothing to it. But yeah, I am still procrastinating a lot ;x!

Time to speed up!

Oh ya! On a side note: I am liking the Barney character a whole lot more. Hmm wait wait. Maybe Marshall and Barney tied for the first place in terms of character. xD. But anyways, I write more on that soon. Better start coding.

dilemma

Hai...

HAI...

Hai alksdfjalsdj;fasdl;jfl;adf

I am super....lol gah damn it.

I was under much stress, until brain-freeze during all the time I could do things. Is that procrastination or not, prolly. Much stress that I had to ;.; ~ :(

Whatever, I thought I had it all thought out - to take this xCourse the next semester, and focus all my energy on the project and the remaining ones. I can't remember how did I managed to get by the 7-8 courses I did in my previous semester. Oh ya, I know - I didn't do well ^^

This is estimated - my last semester which I had been praying hard -"last one please", then I had received a good-new phone call. Hai...good news, but I can't use it since the semester was already half through when I had planned it.

x.x gaahsdfkajs;dlfja;lsdfjl;a;sdf

Then come another news: this course I was planning to take-and-drop-and-to-take-again-next-semester : will not be offered next sem. HAI...tell me that the stuff they put on the uni's webpage: how reliable is it.

Now I am stuck again, now pondering and wondering and thinking and rawrawrawra again in my head. BIG SIGH...

God just give me a solution and decide for me please ><:

Just anothe random post

Hehe, exciting period in Uni life.

Well one decision cause another decision to be made. ^^ Friend drop course = me drop course = me switch course = project mates again! Weee? :D Anyway hope this sem to be my last, then I shall graduate and look for a job and spend money? Like my sis? Shes totally a big spendthrift meh...! I am simple-minded~

Oh well, this semester, which we were just into for only 2 weeks, I am already feeling tired out.Why? Sick sick sick sick. This flu, or idk sore-throat-plus-pestering-blocked-and-runny-nose wouldn't leave me alone. X.x And yeah, add this all up equals occasional bloatedness. Meh, I even puke once just recently. All due to this umm...flu?

Everyone, stay healthy ^^. Drink lots of water and eat lots of fruits (yeah I am the lazy one who says that and doesn't do it, I shall try).

And chinese new year is coming, big bunch of goodies for nom nom! Excited, but hey, sickness please go away soon!

I haven't been watching much dramas lately, just hooked onto How I Met Your Mother, and Shark Tank lately. But again complains on my sickness and being high on doctor's prescription make me not wanna do anything! Shark Tank is a good place for insight on entrepreneurship, and lots of insight dawned on me on what could be basically invented. They are just really small problems of everyday life, and yeah it could totally give you a few million worth of money back if you just put in the effort to notice, and solve that problem. There you got your invention. Next, you think about solving the problem for everyone else? Put it out on the market and start surveying the demands. ^^ Yeah, and most of the time, we sit on top of the toilet bowl while doing -ahem stuff- and ponder on all sorts of things. Light bulb light! You get your idea and then let it drift off without doing anything to test it. Sheesh, how much of my life should I miss before I realise I should start doing some real thing!?

OHHH I was reminded of this 1 giant spider in our school! Shudders! 2! Another spider appeared at our kitchen door weaving its web or whatever. SHUDDERS. I think it aimed its web at me and tried to climb at me. Lucky me :(

I recall a friend when I was an intern at XX company. While I was all for striving for this and that (and still remained in the same position), so I asked her why didn't she want to climb the ladder of position?

"I am happy with just earning enough ^^". This rings something in me, should I be striving for more? Or should I want to just stay happy with earning enough. Well enough means = living comfortably, and no stress over politics and stuff, be contend with what you have. Till now, I still have not quite figured where I should be in future, what I should do, where my life is heading?